I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
