I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
