i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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