He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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