its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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