So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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