i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
