tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
