wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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