Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
