summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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