I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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