Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
