i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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