She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
