meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
