Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
