i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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