At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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