i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
