I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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