Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
