My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize