the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
