Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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