you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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