if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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