You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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