Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
