If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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