I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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