Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So much Jack, so little girl.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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