Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
