you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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