He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
