That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
