im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
