So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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