I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
