If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just googled if crying burns calories
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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