I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
