he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
