if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have fence marks all over my body
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
