i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
