And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
