god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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