I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
