What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize