Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
