I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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