it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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