my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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