My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this just has baby written all over it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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