nut hugger
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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