I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
